I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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