Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
