he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
