ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
