Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
