i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
