well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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