We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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