Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
