I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Randomize
