she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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