Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
did i just pee glitter
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
