How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
