I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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