i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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