I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
we're making bets on your personal life
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
