i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My day in three words: secret purse cake
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
