You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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