is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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