dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
