Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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