I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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