Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
