Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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