I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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