Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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