I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just google imaged poop.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
