the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
