So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
