Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We have started to decorate penises.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
