I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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