woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
