I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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