That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
