You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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