when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
