I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
