Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
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I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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