I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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