I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
