why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
