I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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