ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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