david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
