You just made me feel so damn special
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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