Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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