I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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