At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I understand Curling. That high.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
