Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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