I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
