he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
