i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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