Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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