I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
