Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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