Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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